Pookeemama!

I thought that by coming to london, I would find the missing part of my life but I have only come to realise that i missing more pieces than I should.

I don’t like to let people in because I know they have the propensity to hurt me and they will. I like to keep myself wrapped up in bubble wrap. So i decided that I would only open up to those I trust and in the end I too did get burn. It hurts most when the people you trust disappoint you but I’m done with my expectations. I don’t really want to believe in anyone else anymore.

It’s not a pity party.. I don’t need your reassurance or sympathy. I want your respect and to be treated with respect. Is that so difficult to understand? If your time is precious, so is mine. What makes your time any more valuable than mine that I should have to wait for you time after time. Smiling with gritted teeth for the sake of the group? Oh please.. Spare me the sob story, actions speak louder than apologies.

I have never felt more silly, sitting here alone in the rain, waiting for people who don’t give a damn. Waiting for things in their favour and not every wondering if at their convenience, they have inconvenienced someone else.

I feel like a fool in the rain and I just wanna up and leave..

Everything and nothing at the same time

I have no clue, people have been telling me that I am secretly a romantic and I have it written all over my face.

Perhaps I am a die heart romantic in certain ways. I fall in love with the idea of falling in love. Which was brought to my blinded attention earlier this year. But I am not hopeful for romance.

I support and love the stories of how people get together but I am also so practical and probably jaded enough that I know love isn’t going to keep 2 people together.

Its been a bad 4 years and I don’t expect anything to change because I am not willing to change anything.

I now know I am fair game.

I am at the age where I can no longer take it for granted that men 20 years older than me are just acting as fatherly or uncle-ly figures. I may think along those lines but they have a different agenda altogether. It’s a sobering fact. I am fair game now.

After 25 the rules all change and the lines all blur. This is kinda crazy.

glitterforbreakfast:

Alexander McQueen: Savage Beauty Exhibition at the Met

If you cannot physically make it to the show, watch this video.

Beautiful!!!

After everything said and done, I have come to realise yet again that I have nothing to show.

I sit in the office and feel empty for the work I have done. I don’t want to be chasing material worths or money. I value my work and my worth in the workplace but lately I sit here and wonder if I really want to go down this path. What am I working for? I work because of my manager. Thats a good enough reason for the moment but I am not convinced i can do this long term.

I have nothing to show for my 25 years of life. I am an empty shell with the fear that I’ve probably lost my heart a long time ago. I’ve cared so much for others that perhaps my heart has no space for myself anymore. I’m so rational it scares me. My mind is so oppressive that I can will myself to do anything. I am terrified at the thought that I might be better off as a robot.

What’s wrong with me? I wish I had answers.

— Paulo Coelho (via glitterforbreakfast)

Food for my twisted thoughts

I suppose out of this past 3 months, I’ve figured one thing true abt myself.

In the process, I suppose why I was so distraught was because I knew long ago. The problem was me. I have a great compassion for people, I make decisions concerning others and people around with my heart.

The sad thing is I realised, my heart doesn’t work for private matters anymore. I can easily tell myself not to feel and it works. It actually works. It scares me how I can do it.

I’m worried that in a few years time. I won’t be able to feel anymore, I won’t be able to feel anything cornering my own happiness, always fixated on others. I can’t even cry anymore, for 2 years I’ve tried. I just feel empty but no tears come out. It’s strange and I worry there is something wrong with me. Maybe I become too rational.

What ever the case is, I want to go away and find myself again. I need to understand why i am the way I am. I need to do some soul searching and be my own shrink.

Amidst all this confusion and chaos, I wonder what my dad’s advice to me would be.

I wish I knew what to do and how to do it.

Who do I turn to? Who really wants to hear how unsecured you are inside? No one wants to really know that kind of things. I wont want to subject anyone to that either. So who do I turn to? Just a bitter pill to swallow.

les-artiste:

Whoever this was, is a legend, and a spot in the VIP section of heaven must be saved for them.

I bow down.

This made me smile on a crappy day

Is that so hard to believe? I’m on leave?

stop calling me and stop emailing me. Can’t I just have 24 hours to myself after working for 3 weeks straight? I’m so sick of answering calls, always being accommodating and smiling even if I am having a crappy day.

Why do i find it so hard to say no?

Encounters with random strangers are fleeting but sometimes life changing. Don’t hesitate.